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FEDS ARREST THOUSANDS WORLDWIDE FOR TORTURE

July 2, 2008 Los Angeles, California (KaKa) Federal law enforcement officials across the world in close cooperation with intelligence and military officials, arrested tens of thousands of present and former soldiers, military police, private security contractors, intelligence agents, and several chickenhawks, for torturing detainees who were in U.S. custody, many of whom were later released with no charges against them.

The five year long investigation was spearheaded by the Vice President who has made getting those responsible for torture to be held accountable under both U.S. and international law the central focus of his tenure at the White House.

Similar to the false statements and publicity surrounding the invasion of Iraq, the Vice President skillfully crafted a plan of deception to catch the bad guys by putting out airs that torture was okay because the guys in custody were really bad dudes otherwise deserving a good whooping. For years, federal authorities held off prosecution of torture suspects to give the appearance that nothing would be done about torture in order for the elaborate sting to work.

The United States has a long and strong history of routing out torture. Federal prosecutors are reportedly in intense competition to be assigned to prosecute the showcase torture trials. A torture prosecution of a government official for torture is considered a once in a lifetime, career enhancing assignment.

One Hundred and Fifty thousand victims of torture while in U.S. custody are being flown to the United States for the upcoming trials and will be housed and fed at taxpayer expense. Initial reports show that the U.S. is buying up foreclosed homes to house the victims pending the upcoming trials. Fifty trillion dollars has been budgeted for the prosecutions and this amount does not include civil payments to the victims.

In an unrelated matter, a White House spokesman who has not been authorized to lie to the public, declined to comment on an unsubstantiated rumor that the Vice President had authorized the payment of $5 million dollars to every victim of torture at the hands of U.S. officers and agents.

U.S. ABOLISHES CITIZEN ARRESTS

June 23, 2008 Washington, D.C. (DoDo) In a series of top secret amendments to the Patriot Act, administration officials have successfully abolished the ability of a private citizen to make a citizen's arrest. Effective immediately, it is now a federal offense for any private citizen to arrest a member of the administration for murder, torture, kidnapping, sexual assault, war crimes, crimes against humanity, or illegal search and seizure.

Following Congress's immunization of telecommunications firms for widespread illegal wiretaps, administration officials felt quite confident that they had deflected any criminal charges against administration officials for illegal searches, for the estimated deaths of 1 million or more Iraqis following the illegal invasion of Iraq, for the torture of those detained while in U.S. custody, and for crimes relating to persons who have simply gone missing.

However, recent incidents abroad indicate that the world will not be as easily duped as Congress and the American public, even though a previously unreliable White House source stated that the American people are even dumber than originally thought.

Several highly publicized attempts abroad by private citizens to arrest U.S. officials for war crimes and crimes against humanity have scared top administration officials into thinking that they may be subject to arrest and prosecution abroad even after they leave office and after they lose Secret Service protection. The arrests attempts were so far unsuccessful as police and Secret Service have successfully kept those intent on making arrests away from administration officials. Fearing that Americans will follow other world citizens in making arrests, panicked administration officials held a secret meeting in the White House bunker to discuss means to foil attempts to have them arrested. The knee jerk reaction was to pass top secret amendments to the Patriot Act making such attempts unlawful.

In an unrelated matter, the United States passed secret legislation making the arrest by private person of a present or former administration official outside the United States a terrorist action carrying the death penalty.

GITMO DETAINEES HELD FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

June 17, 2008 Miami, Florida (KaKa) Following the stunning U.S. Supreme Court that Guantanamo Bay detainees are human beings and entitled to human rights, all Guantanamo Bay detainees were quietly rounded up, hooded, hogtied, and then flown to Florida, inside the continental United States. Upon their arrival in Florida, the detainees were arrested for wearing masks to conceal their identities and for illegally entering the United States.

The detainees were then immediately brought before an immigration judge for a hearing. None of the detainees was able to prove that they had entered the United States lawfully and were found guilty of immigration violations and for illegally wearing masks to conceal their identities.

Under a top secret law passed in response to the United States Supreme Court ruling, the illegal immigrants were all sentenced to life without the possibility with parole. Upon being sentenced, the illegal immigrants were rounded up, hooded, hogtied, and then flown back to Guantanamo Bay to serve out their sentences.

A plane carrying all records pertaining to interrogations of the detainees interrogations was reportedly lost at sea. The military conducted an extensive five minute search for the missing records before calling it off due to good weather.

When they die, the sentenced illegal immigrants will be buried in a mass grave along with one million Iraqis who, according to administration officials, are better off dead than being alive under Saddam Hussein's leadership.

U.S. INVADES SAUDI ARABIA

June 10, 2008 Riyadh, Saudi Arabia (DoDo) Using its Iraq military bases as staging areas, the United States early this morning commenced an invasion of Saudi Arabian oil fields in order to increase the worldwide production of oil and bring down oil prices.

The U.S. invasion was patterned on Saddam Hussein's invasion of Kuwaiti oil fields. The U.S. invasion is codenamed Rolling Blunder II. The legal justification for the invasion was that the Saudis had allowed al Qaeda terrorists to control its oil fields for too long, causing oil prices to go up with devastating impact world's economy. The U.S. spokesman declined to comment on whether there had been any intelligence supporting the U.S. claims as she had not yet been authorized to lie to the press on the issue.

The Vice President micromanaged the invasion from his bunker at the White House complex. The Vice President had previously ordered the detention and deportation of hundreds of thousands of Mexican illegal immigrants who were then conscripted into military service for the United States. These conscripts were secretly flown to Iraq after a six month training stint at Guantanamo Bay.

The cost of the invasion of Saudi Arabia was estimated at $550 billion for the first ten days of the operation. Military commanders said that the use of conscripted troops and the value of the oil seized would soon repay the U.S. for the cost of the invasion making this invasion another profitable enterprise, second in profit to the profit the U.S. has gained as a result of invading Iraq.

In an unrelated action, a secret national security directive was issued prohibiting Patriots from selling their sports utility vehicles for a more gas conscious four cylinder Asian import. Another directive made it a crime to make one's vehicle more fuel efficient without approval from the White House.

V.P. COMPARES WAR ON TERROR TO WWII

June 3, 2008 White House Bunker (KaKa) The Vice President of the United States this afternoon gave the initial commencement address at the top secret $550 billion dollar National Torture Academy.

The National Torture Academy was the joint pet project of the Vice President and the Secretary of State and much of its operations remain classified. Both the Vice President and Secretary of State denied the existence of the National Torture Academy, each firmly denying that the U.S. engages in torture.

During his commencement address, the Vice President compared the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to World War II. The Vice President compared the invasion of Iraq to the Japanese invasion of China for its vast natural resources and raw materials. The Vice President then aid that his top secret rendition program was patterned upon the Germans' use of boxcars to transport Jews to facilities so that the Germans could keep better tabs on the growing Jewish insurgent problem. The Guantanamo Bay facility was likened to the cells on the bottom floor of Gestapo headquarters. Because of national security classifications, the Vice President was unable to comment whether medical experiments on German prisoners was used as the foundation for any top secret U.S. program.

The first graduating class had just completed a rigorous four year curriculum yielding the students the world's first bachelor's degree in torture and enhanced interrogation. The first year core curriculum focused on kidnapping, illegal detention, and basic human rights violations. The second year concentrated on enhanced interrogation techniques, waterboarding, and sexual humiliation. During the third year, students are sent abroad to top secret facilities to learn third world torture techniques. The final year consisted of medical experimentation and a diplomacy course where students are trained to lie about their activities and otherwise deflect blame to others.

Top secret legislation has been passed giving immunity to any student, instructor, or government official engaging in torture while engaged in patriotic service.

Most of the graduates are staying on to complete the program's new master's degree program. The program will be the world's first degree program for the administration of injustice. The program will focus on how to set up and control a secret system of detention and prosecution of political undesirables without regard to evidence or the Constitution. Each student will be required to write a thesis on ways to intimidate and control hearing officers who are charged with providing detainees hearings before the detainees are convicted and put to death.

NOTE: Dodohead will be in the Middle East until the end of May checking out unconfirmed reports that Iranian school children launched spit wads at the U.S. President's plane while he was visiting Israel. According to previously unreliable White House sources who have not yet been authorized to lie about it to the public, the Vice President is busy preparing a retaliatory launch against Iran including the use of sophisticated nuclear bunker buster bombs which will bomb the crap out of the Iranians while sparing their oil fields. Israel has already announced that it will join the retaliatory strike when the Vice President gives the green light and is in for a third of the oil recovered.

U.S. OUTLAWS RIGHT OF SELF-DEFENSE

May 12, 2008 Washington, D.C. (DoDo) Early this morning, the Vice President of the United States issued a secret amendment to the Patriot Act outlawing the right of self-defense.

The right of self-defense was developed in the English common law and has been in effect for over a thousand years and. therefore, in existence in the United States since the American Revolution.

According to a previously unreliable White House spokesman, the Vice President will not admit or confirm that the Vice President ordered that the right of self-defense be outlawed since the matter is one of national security. The spokesman did, however, cite recent examples where U.S. citizens successfully raised the right of self-defense in claiming that they used force against government officials fearing that they were going to be tortured or given forced enemas.

Meanwhile, a previously unreliable White House source says that a meeting of top administration officials deep inside the Vice President's bunker complex has decided to commence torturing ordinary American citizens, especially if they are critical of the government or use parking spaces near the White House.

The secret amendment to the Patriot Act was originally intended to deny the right of self-defense against a government official, however since many illegal government operations are undertaken with operatives wearing masks or hoods, a decision was made at the Torture Control Center that the right of self-defense be eliminated entirely.

In an unrelated matter, the Vice President has ordered the detention of any U.S. citizen seeking mental health counseling due to fear of being kidnapped, tortured or waterboarded by government officials on the ground that such persons create a clear and present danger to patriotic government officials. Any mental health professional refusing to report such persons is also subject to arrest and torture. Unconfirmed reports indicate that over 575,000 Americans were detained on the first day the new secret order went into effect. Part of the new secret law also makes it a criminal offense to disclose the identity of any person detained, even to family members of the detainees.

U.S. MISSILE STRIKE DAMAGES TORTURE TRIAL COURTHOUSE

May 5, 2008 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (KaKa) The trial of top government officials for torture was disrupted again by the bombing of a nearby criminal militant stronghold. The trial will now be conducted in a top secret location and members of the press will not be allowed to report on the trial proceedings.

According to previously unreliable sources, several missiles were launched from nearby mobile missile launchers and targeted a militant command center being housed in a taco truck on a corner near the courthouse. A major illegal immigrant operation was being conducted in a taco truck next to the courthouse while the torture trial was in session.

Video coverage showed that the courthouse sustained major damage while a nearby school, senior care facility, and hospital were completely destroyed. Thousands of people, including many school children, elderly, and hospital patients, are missing and presumed dead.

A military spokesman said, however, that only suspected militants were killed during the precision missile strike and there were absolutely no innocent civilian casualties. The military spokesman denied that Israeli personnel or tactics were used in targeting the taco truck.

The owner operator of the taco truck, Jose, came to the United States illegally over 7 years ago and was deemed a major threat to national security because his taco truck operation dealt only in cash transactions, and, therefore, Jose was obviously funneling funds to terrorists believed to be operating in Mexico. The taco truck has been under 24 hour surveillance for over three years. On several occasions, Jose was seen to be dealing in both dollars and pesos in the same transaction. According to illegal surveillance of Jose, he sent money to his mother who then gave it to her doctor purportedly for cancer treatment, however investigators are convinced that the money transfer was a guise to fund major terrorist operations. Jose's mother's doctor was detained the minute he crossed into the U.S. for a vacation. The doctor has been waterboarded, but has been unable to give any information concerning the whereabouts of any more terrorists. Under interrogation, the doctor claimed that he received the money for medical services and that he was using the money to take his family on a vacation. Upon learning that some of the money was received by the doctor's family, his wife and children were immediately detained and are also in the process of being waterboarded.

An administration official blamed Jose for any deaths or injuries as Jose was using civilian customers to shield himself from the inevitable missile attack on his taco truck. The administration denied that Jose's taco truck was targeted to try to stop the trial of top government officials for torture.

FEDS RENAME JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

April 28, 2008 Washington, D.C. (DoDo) Due to mass confusion by the public, grand jurors, jurors, and local law enforcement, the federal government has renamed the Justice Department the Department of Animal Control and Enhanced Interrogation.

A recent poll showed that the majority of the public and local law enforcement believe that when one is forced to have an enema or is kidnapped by hooded men, falsely detained, head slapped, given mind altering drugs, waterboarded, or otherwise have their civil or human rights intentionally violated, the victim should file a report with the Justice Department who would then investigate the complaint with all the resources of the federal government.

However, many members of the public and many local law enforcement officers have been laughed at by federal officials when they try to lodge a torture or civil rights complaint against any member of the current administration.

To cure the mass confusion, effectively immediately, the Justice Department will now be operated under the name Department of Animal Control and Enhanced Interrogation. Its stated primary mission is to encourage the round up all wild animals and to cover up government misconduct. Anyone detained by the Department of Animal Control and Enhanced Interrogation will be viewed as a wild dog without any human rights.

Attorneys for the Department of Animal Control and Enhanced Interrogation are prohibited from representing the public interest with respect to any claim of torture or civil rights violations. The new job description for attorneys in the Department of Animal Control and Enhanced Interrogation is to write written opinions justifying governmental misconduct, notwithstanding any existing law or treaty to the contrary, specifically the Geneva Convention.

The new Department of Animal Control and Enhanced Interrogation will be micromanaged from the Torture Control Center housed somewhere in the Vice President's bunker. The Torture Control Center's first directive is for the Department to promulgate rules allowing the investigating officer to euthanize a wild animal without having to obtain approval from a superior officer.

In an unrelated matter, a top secret new amendment to the Patriot Act makes it a criminal offense to report a civil rights violation or torture complaint to federal authorities. Any person making a claim of torture or a civil rights violation will be detained and turned over to officers of the Department of Animal Control and Enhanced Interrogation; if the complaining party is actually innocent when tortured, reporting the violation carries the death penalty.

FEDS ERECTING WALL AROUND COURTHOUSE

April 21, 2008 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (KaKa) Upon learning the secret location for the trial of top level administration officials for torture, a combined law enforcement and military force immediately began erecting a wall around the courthouse housing the torture trial. The construction is being conducted under heavy guard, with helicopter gunships and Predator drones hovering constantly over the courthouse.

The trial had to be moved from Atlanta after a missile attack took out the Atlanta courthouse.

The barrier is ten feet tall. According to military officials, the wall is designed to keep out persons desiring to harm or interfere with the torture trial. However, according to unreliable law enforcement sources, the purpose of the wall is to impose restrictions on the jurors who enter the building. ID is being triple checked at the wall, and only those with multiple identity documents and an affidavit of support from a list of designated neoconservatives are being allowed to enter the courthouse for jury service. Those unable to meet the test of their patriotism are being detained and whisked away to a nearby military staging area. It is unknown where unpatriotic jurors are being taken from the staging area, however, military transports have been seen taking off and appear to be headed south to Guantanamo Bay.

Guards are also searching persons for evidence of torture. A new, top secret law has criminalized the possession of evidence showing government officials have engaged in torture. Anyone found possessing evidence of governmental torture is being detained, stripped of their citizenship, and subject to deportation to a country which practices torture.

A special prosecutor has been handling the trial after the grand jury threw out its assigned prosecutor after they were told that they could not indict federal officials for torture. According to unreliable sources, the special prosecutor has not been allowed to enter the courthouse and, obviously, did not have the correct affidavit of support from the list of designated neoconservatives. The whereabouts of the special prosecutor are unknown and there is an unconfirmed, unreliable rumor that he was taken into custody as a suspected insurgent.

TORTURE DEFENDANTS BOYCOTT TRIAL

April 15, 2008 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (DoDo) With Guantanamo Bay detainees boycotting proceedings against them as a sham, the top government officials being prosecuted for torturing them have boycotted their own trial for torture.

Unreliable White House sources say that the torture defendants no longer see any point in defending themselves as the President has already ordered that pardon papers be prepared should their be convictions.

Meanwhile, unreliable military sources say that the reason that top government officials are boycotting their trial is that Tomahawk cruise missiles are being targeted to take out the court proceeding as soon as its location can be located.

TORTURE PROSECUTION RESUMES

April 11, 2008 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (KaKa) The prosecution of top U.S. officials for torture continued today in a secret session of federal court somewhere in the Philadelphia area.

Several days ago, Tomahawk cruise missiles took out the federal courthouse in Atlanta, Georgia where the torture indictment was being prosecuted. The missile strike also took out the special prosecutor assigned to prosecute the defendants for torture.

A copy of the indictment survived the missile attack and the federal judiciary is now prosecuting the named top U.S. officials in a top secret proceeding. A clerk, suspecting trouble, had a copy of the indictment sent to another clerk in another courthouse to ensure the prosecution would not be hindered by a missile attack on the courthouse.

A new special prosecutor, Loba Negra (black she-wolf), with extensive war crimes prosecution expertise, has been appointed. Ms. Negra has successfully prosecuted high ranking officials in South America connected with the torture and disappearance of thousands of political dissidents in third world countries. Ms. Negra's first move was to successfully have the judge order that administration prosecutors trying to dismiss the indictment not be allowed to appear and participate in the proceeding.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the National Torture Command Center, located deep within the White House, reaffirmed that the U.S. does not use torture, rather it only authorizes it. Furthermore, the spokesman said that all White House Tomahawk cruise missiles had been accounted for.

In an unrelated matter, a true patriot in the Senate has introduced legislation granting the administration members subject to the torture indictment retroactive immunity from prosecution.

MISSILES TAKE OUT FEDERAL COURTHOUSE

April 7, 2008 Atlanta, Georgia (DoDo) A federal courthouse involved in the prosecution of administration officials for torture was destroyed early this afternoon by several Tomahawk cruise missiles launched from somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.

At least 250 suspected unpatriots were believed to have been killed by the missile attack on the federal courthouse. Unconfirmed reports say that the newly appointed special prosecutor, Mel Hebrew, is missing and presumed murdered.

Since rescue workers have been unable to enter the destroyed courthouse it is unknown whether the presumed objective of the strike, the actual indictment of administration officials for torture, was destroyed by the missile barrage.

Survivors of the attack have been detained for violating national security protocol if there is any chance that they saw the torture indictment or otherwise have knowledge of those members of the administration who were named in the torture indictment.

A military spokesman said that all U.S. Tomahawk cruise missiles were accounted for except those assigned to the White House. The military spokesman said that neither United States nor Israel armed forces were behind the attack and that the military had no knowledge of any White House involvement.

A previously unreliable White House spokesman declined comment, citing national security reasons.

SPECIAL PROSECUTOR FOR TORTURE INDICTMENT

April 3, 2008 Atlanta, Georgia (KaKa) A federal judge today appointed a special prosecutor to prosecute a still sealed indictment alleging that administration officials tortured human beings. The appointed special prosecutor, Mel Hebrew, is an expert on the prosecution of war criminals. His doctoral thesis centered on the defenses raised by German soldiers prosecuted for the Holocaust, especially the defense that the soldiers were following written legal advice that genocide was lawful if ordered by top administration officials.

The judge also denied a government request to transfer the criminal case to a military tribunal at Guantanamo Bay facility or outside the United States so that U.S. law would not apply.

Citing national security concerns, the government has moved to exclude the testimony of victims of torture at the torture trial. That motion will be heard in two weeks and that hearing will not be open to the public.

A predator drone was heard and seen hovering overhead nearby the courthouse. A military spokesman said that predator drones have been used for domestic surveillance on many occasions and assured court staff that this drone was not armed with nuclear tipped missiles.

In an unrelated matter, the United States government has offered $350 billion to any constitutional law expert who testifies that the founding fathers envisioned that the commander in chief has the power to order torture, rape, and the killing of innocent women and children as he or she sees fit.

TORTURE INDICTMENTS FILED

March 30, 2008 Atlanta, Georgia (DoDo) An indictment charging senior administration officials with torture has been filed in the federal court in Atlanta, Georgia. The indictment has been sealed by the clerk of the court.

The indictment was issued by a rogue grand jury in Washington, D.C. who had kicked out their assigned prosecutor when she said that no indictment for torture could be issued where a prosecutor had approved the torture.

After the prosecutor was kicked out, military and law enforcement surrounded the rogue grand jury trying to prevent the issuance of torture indictments. Eventually, a barrage of missiles took out the grand jury room.

It was originally believed that all rogue grand jurors had been killed, but shortly thereafter there were rumors that the rogue grand jurors had gotten the indictment out of the surrounded grand jury room. Law enforcement and military officials then surrounded all federal courts in Washington, D.C. so that the torture indictments could not be filed.

Obviously, the rogue grand jury planned ahead for the enforcement action and found a way to have the indictment brought to and filed in the Atlanta federal courthouse.

Prosecutors were immediately dispatched by the administration to have the indictments quashed by a federal judge. However, civil rights groups were alerted by the surviving rogue grand juror and have appeared to object to any attempt to quash the indictment and to request the appointment of a special, independent prosecutor.

In an unrelated matter, several top administration officials have traveled to visit countries who will not extradite patriots charged with torture.

MISSILE STRIKE TAKES OUT SUSPECTED GRAND JURORS

March 27, 2008 Washington, D.C. (KaKa) The building containing a rogue grand jury was demolished today by an apparent missile strike. The building had been surrounded by law enforcement and military last night but sometime during the night, the forces had been quietly withdrawn. Just before the destruction, no sound could be heard but the faint buzzing known to be associated with Predator drones just before its launch of missiles.

Dodohead has previously reported that the grand jurors had kicked out their assigned prosecutor and were set to issue indictments against top American officials for torture.

Both the military and law enforcement refused to comment on the destruction other than to say that neither the U.S. nor Israel had been involved in the action or provided intelligence to the culprits. A White House spokesman said that Pakistan was believed to be behind the air strike.

46 suspected grand jurors were killed during the missile strike. Local officials claimed that over 146 children and teachers visiting the nation's capitol had been killed during the missile strike. An anonymous military spokesman denied that anyone other than suspected grand jurors were taken out by the missile strike, and that no one is innocent when the war of terror is afoot.

There are unconfirmed rumors from unreliable sources, however, that prior to the air strike the grand jurors were able to issue torture indictments against high administration officials and the indictment had made its way out of the building prior to the missile strike.

In an unrelated matter, a massive law enforcement presence has surrounded the nearby federal courthouse which appears to be detaining and searching all persons trying to file documents with the clerk of the court. Unreliable sources indicate that the police are searching all documents looking for a missing indictment.

ROGUE GRAND JURY TO ISSUE TORTURE INDICTMENTS

March 10, 2008 Washington, D.C. (DoDo) Despite being surrounded by law enforcement and military personnel, a rogue grand jury is expected sometime this week to issue indictments alleging that top level administration officials illegally caused the torture of human beings in U.S. custody. The indictments will follow the grand jury having kicked out its prosecutor after the prosecutor advised the grand jury that it could not indict any administration official for torture if a prosecutor had signed off on it beforehand.

SWAT teams have cut off all power and utilities to the grand jury room. However, the rogue grand jurors have been more inventive than anticipated. Surveillance cameras inside the grand jury room bathrooms, known in law enforcement circles as toiletcams, picked up at least one grand juror taking toilet paper into the grand jury room itself so that the grand jury had something to write its indictment down on.

Prosecutors have approved the arrest of the grand jury member for her theft of the toilet paper and for terrorist activities based upon her removal of the toilet paper from its lawfully designated dispenser.

Two predator drones have been reassigned to provide law enforcement and military with 24 hour surveillance of attempts to aid the encamped grand jurors. It was generally expected that after several days the grand jurors would wear down without food, heat, or electricity. However, Dodohead has learned that friends and family members of those being secretly detained and tortured have been getting food and clothing into the grand jurors while dressed as executioners wearing balaclava masks.

A military spokesman denied that the Vice President had recalled troops and surveillance aircraft from a planned invasion of Iran in order to ensure that the grand jury does not issue the anticipated indictments. According to previously unreliable White House sources, the Vice President does not want to start an illegal war with Iran if he, and his troops, do not have the unfettered ability to torture and kill in the name of national security.

SWAT TEAM SURROUNDS ROGUE GRAND JURY

March 5, 2008 Washington, D.C. (KaKa) Specially armed Swat team members have surrounded a rogue grand jury in the nation's capital trying to keep them from issuing indictments against members of the administration.

Several days ago, the grand jury kicked out its prosecutor who was advising grand jurors that they could not indict members of the administration for kidnapping, torture, and murder if a prosecutor had signed off on the misconduct.

Since the prosecutor was kicked out of the grand jury room, the room has been surrounded and all communication with the real world has been cut off.

The rouge grand jury has frightened numerous administration officials as they thought that careful appointments of prosecutors and judges cut off any risk of administration officials being indicted for misconduct ordered by administration officials.

A special group of prosecutors has given written instructions that the grand jurors are to be tortured until they refuse to indict members of the administration. The prosecutors have also approved the arrest of all grand jurors for assaulting the prosecutor who was physically thrown out of the grand jury room.

Meanwhile, the military is taking no chances that one of its own may be indicted. During the darkness last night, a nuclear submarine with cruise missiles was brought in to the Chesapeake Bay. Upon a moments notice, the sub can launch cruise missiles which will take out the grand jurors and any indictments which may already have been issued.

The intelligence community has flown in special rendition aircraft to whisk the grand jurors offshore for further interrogation about what happened in the grand jury room.

The State Department has designated the rogue grand jury as a terrorist group, attempting to circumvent any support or funding for the grand jury.

Finally, the White House has gotten involved beyond its original offer of pardons to all grand jurors who refuse to indict. The White House has offered a $75 million bounty for the person or persons who brings the rogue grand jurors dead and not alive.

GRAND JURY KICKS OUT PROSECUTOR

March 3, 2008 Washington, D.C. (DoDo) A special grand jury looking into wrongdoing at top levels of the administration reportedly kicked its assigned prosecutor out of the grand jury room.

Normally, the workings of the grand jury are top secret and the secrecy even trumps the administration's state secrets defense. However, numerous witnesses observed a prosecutor being physically thrown out of a grand jury proceeding while screaming "You can not indict any member of the administration if they were given a secret, written opinion from a prosecutor okaying their misconduct."

Shortly thereafter, several senior prosecutors were observed to be trying to gain entrance to the grand jury proceeding.

Within an hour, senior counsel from the White House were seen trying to worm their way into the grand jury proceeding under the guise of being patriots and offering pardons if the grand jurors recessed without issuing any indictments.

The only communication coming out of the grand jury room were written orders for lunch. Strangely, when lunch orders were delivered to the grand jury room, grand jurors refused to accept food after reportedly hearing testimony from witnesses about drugs being delivered in food given to detainees.

U.S. AND ISRAEL INVADE TURKEY

February 27, 2008 (KaKa) While Turkish troops massed on the border for its Turkish invasion of the Kurdish oil region in Iraq, U.S. and Israeli warplanes commenced a midnight bombing campaign of southern and western Turkey in preparation for a large scale land invasion.

The reported goal of the invasion is to open up a corridor through Turkey so that Caspian oil from Azerbaijan and Georgia can flow to the west without having to go through Iran and Russia. When the oil corridor is secure, both Europe and Israel will have access to oil without having to deal with Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Iran, or Russia.

A military spokesman claimed that a large number of Turkish insurgents have been killed. An even larger number have been detained for waterboarding and sensory deprivation.

After U.S. and Israeli troops safely landed on Turkish soil, the U.S. President said that the invasion was a success. When asked what the justification for the invasion was, the President deferred to the Vice President.

The Vice President said that the justification had been classified as top secret and refused to answer citing the state secrets privilege. However, previously unreliable White House sources say that the invasion of Turkey had been in the works for over 6 years and required a large number of top secret meetings between oil company executives and the Vice President. The complex plan called for an illegal invasion of Iraq in order to get Turkey to move its ground forces to eastern Turkey to deal with Kurds on its border with Iraq.

In Israel, an Israeli military spokesman denied that Israeli and U.S. troops were involved in the operation.

U.S. AIR STRIKE TAKES OUT GUANTANAMO BAY INSURGENTS

February 22, 2008 Havana, Cuba (DoDo) A spokesman for the United States military announced that a combined Israeli-U.S. surgical air strike has claimed the lives of over 500 insurgents trying to escape from the U.S. facility at Guantanamo Bay.

According to unreliable sources on the ground, U.S. troops guarding the Guantanamo Bay detention facility quietly left their posts during the night, just like German troops guarding POW's and concentration camps did at the tail end of World War II.

The bewildered detainees, some of whom had been locked down for over 5 years without charges, counsel, or visitors, slowly realized that the American guards were no longer present.

As soon as the detainees started to leave the detention compounds, a Predator aircraft hovering nearby signaled to an offshore carrier group that the detainees were trying to escape. Immediately, U.S. and Israeli air planes commenced a devastating air strike, taking out the escaping detainees and the entire Guantanamo Bay detention facility. There were no survivors and all evidence of the Guantanamo Bay detention facility was pulverized.

One previously unreliable White House source denied that the administration was concerned about investigation into what had been going on at Guantanamo Bay. In fact, the unreliable source claimed that with all the detainees dead, the administration was much less concerned about potential repercussions concerning any investigation into Guantanamo Bay.

An official White House spokesman claimed that the timing of the air strike had nothing to do with cases pending before the U.S. Supreme Court which may have yielded a ruling that the detainees were human beings, not property of the intelligence community, and may have certain basic human rights, including the right to sue government officials for torture and humiliation.

In an unrelated matter, all pending court cases involving detainees were dismissed later in the day as being moot.

U.S. TO NUKE OWN SPY SATELLITE

February 15, 2008 Edwards Air Force Base, California (KaKa) Air Force personnel are busily preparing for a launch of a nuclear tipped missile to take out a top secret satellite circling the Earth before a new administration takes over in the White House. The top secret satellite cost U.S. taxpayers $550 billion. The nuclear missile operation to destroy the satellite will cost another $175 billion. The nuclear strike will fulfill the President's campaign promise to the Vice President that the Vice President can nuke something while in office.

The administration's cover story is that the satellite, code name Gitmo III, is out of control, is no longer responding to instructions from military controllers on the ground, and poses a danger to other spacecraft and aircraft. According to the cover story, Gitmo III is the top secret satellite placed in orbit to provide the administration a place to interrogate detainees which is outside the jurisdiction of any war crimes tribunal. Operating under a top secret legal opinion that torture was an acceptable interrogation method in outer space as there was no applicable law for outer space interrogations, rendition aircraft were used to deliver detainees to the satellite. Detainees were put into orbit and then subjected to waterboarding and other "extra" enhanced interrogation techniques. Gitmo III housed high value detainees who have been in custody for over 15 years and have never been charged with any offense. The bodies of detainees who have died during interrogations and detentions are also being stored aboard the satellite as well as videos of waterboarding previously believed to have been destroyed.

However, Dodohead has learned from five previously unreliable White House sources that the satellite actually contains a mobile weapons of mass destruction package. The weapons package was designed to be deployed to land in either Iraq or Iran, depending on the administration's need. One scenario provides that the weapons package be dropped onto Iraq so that it could be discovered on the ground and then give the administration justification for the original invasion of Iraq. Alternatively, the weapons package could be dropped onto Iran to justify an invasion of Iran and takeover of Iran's oil fields.

Administration officials are concerned that the contents of the satellite may be used by the next administration to pursue charges against administration officials and that that path could lead back to the White House. Therefore, it has become imperative that the satellite's contents be destroyed before the next administration takes over the White House.

U.S. PARDONS SADDAM

February 11, 2008 Washington, D.C. (DoDo) In a written announcement, a White House spokesman early this morning confirmed that the President of the United States had pardoned Saddam Hussein for the crimes against humanity that he had allegedly committed and had been executed for.

The stunning announcement came after it was learned that Saddam had tortured and killed only after receiving a formal written opinion from the former Iraqi Department of Justice that such measures were legal depending upon the circumstances and if the value of the information or message to be extracted outweighed the individual citizen's rights not to be subjected to torture and/or death.

Since the White House has itself taken the position that torture is legal if believed necessary by top administration officials, White House insiders thought it was hypocritical for the U.S. to hold Saddam to a greater standard, especially in light of the significant numbers of casualties following the American occupation. Even some insiders have argued that the Iraqis killed may have been better off under Saddam's rule.

The President has reportedly awarded $50 billion dollars to Saddam posthumously to compensate him for his wrongful conviction and execution.

In an unrelated matter, a previously unreliable White House source claims that the Vice President is considering pardons and compensation for German officers convicted and executed for the extermination of Jews during the Holocaust since there is evidence that some officers were merely following written orders from above.

WHITE HOUSE INVESTIGATING OIL COMPANY PROFITS

February 5, 2008 Washington, D.C. (KaKa) In an emergency press conference, the President of the United States today called for an immediate investigation into how in the world oil companies are reporting record profits while the United States is going through a recession. Having just submitted a budget calling for the nation's largest deficit ever, the President said that the next generation of Americans can no longer be expected to foot the bill for the expansion of the oil industry.

The President has personally delegated the oil company investigation to the Vice President because of the Vice President's reputation for being tough on the energy titans. According to White House insiders, since first elected, the Vice President has been meeting with oil executives in secret complaining about their profits and their failure to be take into consideration the views of environmentalists. Oil company executives have frequently complained that the Vice President has a personal grudge against them and has gone out of his way to interfere with their ability to make even more money during the Iraq war.

The President has also appointed a special prosecutor to look into whether oil companies have failed to pay billions of dollars of royalties to the United States for oil exploration on federal lands. A former prosecutor with extensive experience has agreed to act as special prosecutor on the sole condition that she be able to take the investigation and prosecution where ever the evidence takes it, so long as the investigation does not lead back to the White House.

In a related announcement, the White House announced plans to resume taxation of oil companies, a practice which the Vice President secretly stopped when the U.S. invaded Iraq, claiming that the taxation of oil companies during wartime violated the President's war powers. Taxation of oil companies would be a material turnaround for the President who has spent most of his administration giving away the farm when it comes to taxation.

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07/02/08

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